The Anatomy and Recovery of Infidelity: Insights from Psychic Shira

Couples who did not cheat are sitting at the 17% mark to get a divorce due to growing in different directions or children moving out of the house. Infidelity has an economic footprint and couples having to ratchet down their lifestyles at the onset of the separation before the divorce—child support, alimony, palimony, and paying for insurance for the children. Children feel the fracture of the home poignantly. What did I say or do to make them leave? Why did Daddy/Mommy leave us? Did I do something terrible to make them go? Everyone has trust issues after being cheated on in a relationship. 

MARITAL INFIDELITY HURTS EVERYONE.

It breaks up families, destroys trust, and leaves you feeling that your life was a sham or a lie. Let's use the example of Janet, married to the cheating narcissist. She overhears her husband on the phone calling another woman baby girl, a name he used (or so she thought) exclusively for her. Rather than barge into the conversation and confront him, she decides to listen to see how far it goes. He is talking about how he loved hooking up with her and looking forward to seeing her again.

Janet's life changed in a second. With three juvenile children, she has a choice to make: Does she confront him now and risk losing vital financial support for her children? Does she stick it out and try to live with his cheating? Does she confront him at all? Does she send him packing that day and change the locks on the front door? How many others have there been? Is this why he is always late at work?

You might ask yourself, how do you get over someone cheating on you?

Janet's mind is whirling with possibilities. She feels nauseous, dizzy, and is frozen in place. She is too frozen to make a decision, and the man she thought she knew has, in one moment, become a stranger in her home. When you find out that someone you have loved and invested your life, love, and energy into has cheated, it is devastating.

Getting over infidelity can be an impossible task.

Initial feelings: Shock, bewilderment, pain (heartbreaking). Your body freezing in place, inability to focus, emotional and physical fatigue, lack of cognitive focus, loss of motivation.

Once you have overcome the shock of what you have discovered, you start to feel the following: Anger, depression, vengeance, loss of any empathy for your partner, wanting to remove them from your life now, feeling gullible or short-sighted, wishing that you had listened to your friends and family, wondering why they cheated when they had it so good at home, wondering why you did so much for someone who does not care.

Energy returns, and you can focus on short periods. The action phase: (in no particular order) looking for an attorney, filing for divorce, breaking up, going separate ways from your ex, seeking out counseling, talking to your partner/spouse, new contracts between you if you have kids/animals, working towards a resolution.

If you are staying together, you are rebuilding trust.

SO DO YOU WANT TO STAY? 

If there are juvenile children, working things out if you can is your first step. This means putting it all out on the table and talking through it. Listen to each other, clear the air, and do it one line item at a time. You will not remove this is one day. It will take time with the help of a good couples therapist to sort through the feelings so you can rebuild. It is okay to feel what you feel. Please do not diminish your experience. Both the cheater and the one being cheated on are feeling a plethora of emotions and feelings which need to be discussed. If you have a partner that is unwilling to work through things with you, set the timer on it. If they do not meet that you may have to rethink going your separate ways.

Fixing relationship problems will take both you and your partner, addressing the infidelity reasons and getting help for cheaters.

HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES OF INFIDELITY: Emotional, Physical, Spiritual

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY 

Your partner has connected to another person and shares the thoughts and feelings they used to share with you. This is emotional cheating. This can be done through texting, messaging, phone calls, and of course, in person. This is the precursor to physical cheating. There is texting, message, seeking empathy of sympathy, and transference of empathy from the spouse to the emotional affair. When they get to the point of calling and talking to the other party in the emotional affair for help in a crisis, they have energetically left the relationship. This is where the affair becomes physical.

PHYSICAL INFIDELITY

One night stands an accelerated emotional affair or a relationship outside your committed relationship with either long-term or short-term outcomes. Physical affairs are more easily broken than emotional affairs. Physical affairs do wane over time, usually with both parties that have cheated, moving onto their next sexual target. It is here that you will find No strings attached and a one night stand. Sex clubs will have a hook up in the club only, and ask that the members do not see each other in their lives outside the group.

SPIRITUAL INFIDELITY

Having an attraction within the constraints of a religious organization with the presence of a faith-based value. Unlike the emotional affair in that, both parties are coming together within the confines of a church. They are using religion as an excuse to come together in altruistic work. Another example of Spiritual cheating is when two romantic partners start with the same beliefs, but one converts to another religion. This is especially problematic when there are children involved.

One of my family members (who has permitted to share this with you) married their spouse in the Christian Faith. After the loss of several family members, they began to question their church and ministers all in the same year. They did not get the answers that addressed their concerns. If anything, the chasm deepened. After two years of searching, they became a Buddhist, and have changed their lives for the better. The spouse saw this as Spiritual Cheating, for they had only remained Christian because of their marriage vows. The spouse who stayed Christian did eventually forgive the other, and they are now both practicing the spirituality they are drawn to as individuals. While this created difficulty in the transition, the dialogues brought them together, and they are very happily married now. That period of stress, uncertainty, and questioning was of great benefit.

There are cases where the couples fall apart because of a deeply rooted family of origin, religious adherence, and compliance. Converting from one religion to another being considered a betrayal by the Family of Origin. When marriages break up because of this, it is a deep heartache to both parties.

RECOVERING FROM INFIDELITY 

You find yourself working things out with your romantic partner, reinforcing trust, leaving you past behind, and having a new relationship contract. You are working with a therapist and finding that you can correct the misunderstandings on both your parts. Congratulations! You represent the minority in the United States. You find yourself walking away, and not sure what to do.

Here are a few tips:

Resist getting into another relationship for at least a year.

Give yourself time to rediscover your needs, wants, and goals.

Do not share your story or drama with everyone you meet.

Your friends and family will only be patient for so long.

DO share your feeling with a qualified therapist, utilize the strategies given to redeem your life.

Make a decision to remain friends with the exes family or to sever ties.

If you do remain friends, do not ask about not talking about your ex with them.

Cultivate new relationships with them.

Recognize that you are walking through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance).

You may revisit them more than once per category. Take the recovery time that you need. Go through your home and get rid of as much evidence of the two of you as possible. Create new routines, establish new and healthier habits. Life after infidelity will be a rebirth.

AND LASTLY, Work on forgiving your cheating partner. You don't have to do it all in one go, do it a little at a time until you have fully released them. You may not receive the closure or apology you need, so work on acquiring closure with your counselor or therapist. You can recover after the loss of a relationship due to fidelity. Please give yourself time to recover and find your footing as your person. You have the power to shape your future. My heart goes out to each of you who are hurting.

I love you, and I believe in you.

In Divine Truth and Love,

Psychic Shira 

Shira has been in the Intuitive Arts for over 35 years. She has worked extensively with people having relationship problems. If she can be of service to you as a psychic or relationship expert, please reach out to her at extension 1093 at Meet Your Psychic.